I vowed to skip New Year's resolutions this year and planned to carry on with my good intentions of 2012: write and exercise more, eat right, spend more time with friends, blah, blah, blah. As it turns out, resolutions not to make resolutions fall by the wayside as fast as the real thing.
A post from Kristin Espinasse, whose French Word a Day blog is one of my favorites, made me sit up and pay attention.
Even if you break out in a cold sweat when you recall high school French class, read Espinasse's post, s'il vous plait.
Her description of herself as she struggles to recall her neighbor's dental woes could be me and, I'm pretty sure, you.
We're swimming in work and household chores, and it's hard to eke out time for those closest to us, yet one or two of our entitled acquaintances won't think twice before demanding our help with something they could do themselves. If they're not after help, they want attention. Or an audience. Or a yes-person.
Here's Espinasse: "I thought about some of the squeaky wheels, or, as Mom calls them "toxic relationships" that have derailed my focus. Whether pushy or manipulating or narcissistic—they are caustic! These are individuals who make me feel I should do this or I should do that (most often for them!). They say, in so many veiled words, "you owe me!"
As our energy flows to the squeaky wheels, we overlook the quiet non-complainers, like Espinasse's neighbor with the toothache. We ignore those who soldier on and wouldn't think of asking for a little encouragement, a shoulder to lean on for a few minutes, or someone to listen for half an hour, tops.
Espinasse plan for 2013 is to muffle the demands from toxic individuals by picking out seven people who truly need her time and attention. Here she is again: "It is time to reclaim needed energy and to get attention back on track and focused on toothless angels. I have chosen 7 people to pay more attention to in the coming year. Far from 'squeaky wheels' you wouldn't even know it if they cried themselves to sleep last night, and sadly, they may have."
I, too, will distance myself from toxic (to me) people this year and focus on those who really need me. I've picked out my seven. How about you?
15 comments:
I don't have too much trouble saying No to people like this, but I do find it hard to say no to my RWA chapter. That's getting better - after being treasurer for 10 years (!!!), I told them someone else would need to do it this time when elections came up. Can't wait to pass that on!
Ack, toxic people. They will suck the blood right out of you if you let them. They are Too...Much...Work! But, why do we attract these people, that's what I want to know. If so, we need to be deprogramed. I say run for the hills Pat! I know where there is a big fat rock upi can hide under! LOL! :)
LOL, Jennette! Good luck passing on the treasurer's job. I hear you, though. There's always someone or somebody we can't turn down. Your RWA chapter is lucky to have you.
Hi, Karen! Did I see a picture of the rock you're talking about on your blog post yesterday? It looked big enough for both of us. Seriously, though, we can't hide from the toxic types. We have to learn to say no. Meanwhile, let's promise ourselves we won't volunteer for any treasurer jobs.
Pat, even though "no" is probably the first word most of us ever spoke, it's far easier to say yes than no, especially for a woman. I wonder if it's not one of the major contributors to burnout? Here's to non-toxicity in our lives. :)
Happy new year to you and Lark!
Hear, hear, Sheila. Happy New Year to you, too, and congrats on the release of THE VALENTINE GRINCH.
Loved the link, Pat. I subscribed and hope to be able to check in regularly.
I think getting rid of the toxic people in our lives is great advice. And if some of them are people we are related to and can't totally cut out of our lives, then distance is a good thing. I make time for the people who make time for me. And I agree with Sheila, it is harder for us to say no. Maybe we need to practice. :)
Oui (my word of the day.)
I actively and purposely got rid of toxic people a few years ago, and there were many, and am a happier person for it.
But I still can't say 'no' to anyone (friends or strangers) without a crushing sense of guilt. No matter the request (hugely inappropriate, boundary stepping or a small inconsequential thing that I still don't want to do.)
I said goodbye to the worst year of my life and all the people and pets who 'needed' me in 2012. I would actually like to take time off from being needed. Just for awhile. :)
I'm practicing, Emma. Good advice!
In 2013, your word of the day has to be "non," Sarah. I hate knowing 2012 was your worst year and swear I won't ask you to do a thing for me before 2014.
I'm sending you to time-out from being needed.
Lark! I knew you'd love the French Word a Day blog.
my challenge is recognizing the toxicity in some of the 'gurus' on the web. I have to remember to honor myself and the people I've met through the gurus and ignore their insanity. LOL
2012 was pretty toxic for me. Whew, it's over and I'm looking forward to a healthier and less toxic new year. I did manage to get rid of a toxic situation for me (stepping down from the management-type of role that I had). So far it's proven to be a very good move. Helping seven non-toxic people - I don't think I can pick them out in advance. Yes, toxic people surround me, but working 4 10 hour shifts that turn into 11 because of the transit time means I don't have any flexibility to help those days at all. But I can randomly help 7 non-toxic people at my day job - I think I've been doing that kind of thing for a long time. :) So this year, my goal is to FOCUS on the manuscripts I've got in the works, get at least the two novellas in digital form and at least one novel DONE. :>
I think it's great advice to pick 7 people to focus on. Even though it's a little easier to say no than it was when I was younger, I must admit it helps to say I'm too busy (with my non toxic friends). :)
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