Thursday, November 29, 2012

A Second-Chance Wedding


“In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.” Albert Camus

The day after Thanksgiving, Hubs and I awoke at four to catch an early morning flight. Our destination: A small city in Virginia's wine country. Our purpose: To attend a friend's wedding. 

I travelled light, luggage-wise, but that's not to say I didn't tote baggage. The ceremony in Virginia would mark our friend's second marriage, and, much as I admired his willingness to risk his heart again, I worried.

He and his new wife would have six children between them. The kids were adults, true, but do kids stop requiring time and attention when they hit twenty-one? To further complicate matters, the happy couple had recently bought a house and were juggling wedding planning with box unpacking. At work, he'd opted for a slower track after many hard-charging years, but his new wife couldn't cut back her hours. How would their work schedules mesh?

Did I tell you I like our friend's first wife? True, she'd initiated their divorce and had moved on without a backward look, but I'm the queen of looking back, retroactively applying relationship bandages, and asking, "What if?" Small wonder the airline didn't flag my baggage for exceeding weight limits.

First-time brides and grooms are filled with such optimism, it verges on hubris. Guests admire the bride and groom's fearless willingness to merge their dreams, futures, and fortunes. We hope they'll weather the storms to come and emerge stronger for them, but if asked for advice, we're likely to demur because who can tell anything to wide-eyed young people who are certain theirs is the great love of the century? If pressed, we might say something innocuous like, "Never go to bed angry," or "Laugh at yourself."

Guests at second marriages tend to be older and, thanks to lessons at the School of Hard Knocks, wiser. We arrive with optimism that's been dented but hasn't been stripped away.  (If it had been, we'd have RSVP'd with regrets.) We've gone to bed angry once, twice, or ten times because only a saint could avoid it, and we've learned to laugh at ourselves because if we didn't, we'd have spent days curled into balls, our fingers in our ears, singing "La, la, la, I can't hear you."

We've also learned that long, happy marriages are blessed by luck. "Hard work" and "putting each other first" ratchet up the odds of success, sure, but luck's a biggie, and it skips over some marriages.

I traveled to Virginia weighed down with memories of our friend's first wife and worries for him and his new love. However, as he spoke the vows he'd written, my fears melted away.

The marriage of two people who've survived painful uncouplings is sweeter for its poignancy. It's humbling to bear witness to a bride and groom who have the courage to make promises although they'd learned the hard way that vows can be broken. They've weathered storms but haven't shut off their emotions or sequestered themselves in emotional storm shelters. They know it takes two to make a marriage work or fail and have ditched their "injured party" labels to accept that they could have done things differently the first-time around. They know they'll have to pay closer attention and adjust their behavior on the second go.

This wedding was marked by gratitude, not hubris. The bride and groom were gladgladglad to have found each other and grateful for the friends and family who supported them. The happy couple laughed a lot. 

Will luck bless this new marriage? I don't know for sure, but it's clear the bride and groom are prepared to make their own. 

On the trip home, my luggage felt weightless. I'd swapped my worries for joy, and it turns out optimism is the lightest element of all.

20 comments:

Ginger Calem said...

" … optimism is the lightest element of all."

Yes, it most certainly is!

Thanks for this uplifting post.

Ginger

Pat O'Dea Rosen said...

Thanks for reading, Ginger. Less than a week ago, I was fretting about the trip/the wedding, and now I'm happy and at peace. The couple's joy was infectious.

Jennette Marie Powell said...

What a great story! It's so easy to become jaded with the di orce rate what it is, and optimism like this is an encouraging counterpoint. Thanks for sharing.

Lark Howard said...

Great post, Pat. Glad the wedding turned out to be so positive. It's not always easy to have confidence in the "Love conquers all" optimism of romance.

My DH and I seemed like a very mis-matched couple when we married and we just celebrated our 15th anniversary. It was his 1st marriage, my 3rd and there was the socially awkward issue of our age difference. Not many people at our little wedding expected us to last--my mother being the most vocal of the lot--and yet I've never been happier. Sometimes one must just take the leap and hope for the best!

Pat O'Dea Rosen said...

Hi, Jennette,
I had another topic in mind, but the wedding story begged to be shared. Thanks for reading!

Pat O'Dea Rosen said...

Lark, you and Steve make a great couple. I'm glad you found the courage to marry again and forge a life together.

August McLaughlin said...

Lovely post, Pat. Your conclusion gave me chills. :)

Louise Behiel said...

What a nice story, Pat. thanks for sharing. I also got the lesson that I need to remember to trust my wise friends and let them make their own way. I can pray, encourage and support but I needn't worry about them - they are bright folks. I appreciate the reminder.

Coleen Patrick said...

A lovely post. I like that you said everyone laughed a lot--that would certainly lighten the load for me. Glad you enjoyed your trip to VA--my neck of the woods! :)

Marcy Kennedy said...

I have people in my life that I care about who are going through a divorce right now. I really hope they find love again and that it lasts. Thank you for sharing this story with us :)

Kassandra Lamb said...

Wow, what an eloquent and poignant post! I too am "of a certain age" and have watched several friends tie the knot for a second or third time. You have captured that weird balance between worrying about their hearts getting broken again and rejoicing in their newfound happiness and love.

Pat O'Dea Rosen said...

Hi, August! Thanks for reading.

Pat O'Dea Rosen said...

You're right Louise. Our friends are bright folks and we have to trust them to make their own way. I only need that reminder once or twice a week now--progress for me.

Pat O'Dea Rosen said...

Hi, Coleen,
The wedding took place in Leesburg--a very pretty town. While there, my husband and I visited two wineries: Willowcroft (the oldest in the area) and Zephaniah Farm. We enjoyed the experience at both, but Zaphaniah was especially enjoyable as tastings are conducted by Bill and Bonnie Hatch, the owners/winemakers and their (adult) children in the living room of the house that's been in the Hatch family for three generations.

Pat O'Dea Rosen said...

I've got my fingers crossed for your family and friends, Marcy. Meanwhile, they're lucky to have you in their corner.

Pat O'Dea Rosen said...

"Weird balance" perfectly describes how I felt before the wedding, Kassandra, and now my worry is gone. There are no guarantees, of course, but the groom's vows convinced me he knows what he's found--love, friendship, a team of two--and will work to hang onto it. Sigh. The event was so romantic.

Sarah Andre said...

How lovely, Pat! Congratulations to your friends and thank you for sharing your weekend with us.

Although this is my first marriage (and DH's) we both married late- I was 36 and he was 45. I know I was still starry-eyed, but I was old enough to have kissed a lot of frogs, spent years in the comfort of my own company and have a more realistic expectation of flaws in relationships.

Because of our ages and maturity level, we've never been burdened by co-dependent, clingy behaviors that can suffocate a marriage.

I think second marriages are strong in the sense that couples know what they are seeking in a partner. Often new brides and grooms are still wearing rose-colored glasses or secretly thinking they can change the irritating aspects of the other 'after' the ceremony. Or even secretly thrilled that 'someone picked them' so they jump at the chance at marrying someone they aren't that fond of rather than dwell in loneliness.

As for your "la, la, la, I can't hear you" song...well gee, that's one of my favorites! LOL!

Sheila Seabrook said...

This is so sweet, Pat, and such a real way to describe marriage. It's hard and happy and all the hard work to make it work doesn't matter unless you're both putting in effort. I hope your friends have a long and happy marriage together.

Pat O'Dea Rosen said...

Hi, Sarah! If I ruled the world (write-in votes accepted), I'd raise the minimum age for marriage to thirty. While plenty of couples married young and made rousing successes of their partnerships, the chance of staying together rises if each person has had time to live as an individual and work on those "realistic expectations" you mentioned.

Pat O'Dea Rosen said...

Hi, Sheila! Who was who said marriage is a tough gig? It is, but if we're lucky and have a partner who works at it as hard as we do, the happy times outweigh the tough ones. Thanks for your good wishes. I wonder if the bride and groom sense the good will headed their way?