A friend's mother is sick. My friend sleeps in her mom's apartment and crosses a no-longer-familiar city via public transportation every morning and late afternoon to sit at her mom's bedside during twice-a-day hospital visiting times.My friend is doing what we'd do in her shoes. Her behavior is expected, except one of her organs is failing—and she's pretending to be just fine so her mother won't suspect.
Would you put on a hale-and-hearty act to keep your sick mother from worrying?
Yeah, me, too.
I've written about how mothers-of-grown-children don't warn new moms their children will face illness, bullying, drugs, and heartbreak. Instead, we distill what we know into advice like, "Enjoy every minute you spend rocking your baby."
We're called the "sandwich" generation. In fact, we were the "don't ask; don't tell" generation before the military adopted the phrase. In our defense, no new mother has ever asked an old one: "Tell me what to expect during the teen-age years. I want to know everything."
And we haven't asked our parents what it's like—really like—to navigate old age. We fuss at them if we catch them eating Pop Tarts for lunch, and we'll bug them to schedule medical check-ups, but we're reluctant to discomfit the people who taught us to ride bikes and drive. How many times have we tried to make sure our parents are okay financially only to back off when our dads glare and our moms get huffy-puffy?
Until her mother is out of the woods, my friend will blame her own fatigue on worry and jet-lag.
Send positive thoughts her way, won't you?
This week, tell a child, parent, spouse, or significant other you love him/her. Ask if there's anything that person wants to talk about.
12 comments:
Sandwich generation is a good description, Pat. Both of my parents are still alive and my father, who is very fit and healthy, takes care of my mother who has some medical issues. I know what you mean about trying to check on their well-being and getting a huffy "we're just fine, thank you." I'm grateful for their independence, but hope they'll ask for help when they need it...like letting someone else drive them to and from Florida each year!
Oh wow, I can so see my mom in your description of your friend - ignoring her own health issues while she spent all her time and energy taking care of her mother. Not until Grandma was gone did my mom get things for herself taken care of - fortunately, in time. My dad was luckily in much better heath when doing the same for his parents, but that showcased another thing we're reluctant to talk about with our parents: end of life wishes, healthcare power of attorney, DNR orders, etc. My grandparents didn't have the latter, and it was a tremendous cause of stress for my dad. I've been putting off having this conversation with them; thanks for the reminder!
Great post Pat! This is a very tough subject to navigate. Been there, done that with only one parent still alive with health problems. Although my sons are out of the house. It's really hard when you've got children still at home and taking care of an elderly parent. It's a lot to handle. And something I try to do is support others as they too are faced with these difficult circumstances.
Wow. Got prayers going for your friend and her mother.
Sending good thoughts to you and your friends. Wishing you all the best Pat!
Oh, Lark, that drive to Florida isn't easy. Like you, I wish "the greatest generation" would ask for help. Am I holding my breath? No.
Jennette, I'm glad your mother took care of herself in time. Sorry to have been the one to remind you to have The Conversation with your parents, but we all have to do it.
Karen, bless you for supporting others when you're dealing with a parent with health problems.
Thanks so much, Liz. My friend needs prayers.
Coleen. I'm routing those good thoughts to my friend who will be so grateful. Thanks for sending some my way, too.
Pat, I hope your friend is at least taking good care of herself while she's watching over her mom. What a difficult situation to be in. My thoughts and prayers go out to both her and her mother.
While my dad was still alive, I never really worried about my parents. They took care of each other. But now that my mom is alone, I worry, a lot. And it's not that she's unhealthy, but when they're alone, they're less likely to eat properly, and they have no one to share the daily concerns with.
It's hard, but oh how hard it must be to be sick WHILE your parent is sick, too. She is lucky to have a friend like you who worries about her.
Wow, I will be praying for you friend. How difficult that must be! I like your sandwich generation description, I can visualize that easily. My parents are in thier 60's, but I know the day is coming when I'll be worrying and watching over them, making sure they are okay. Of course, knowing them they'll never let on if they are not!
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